Parable Wisdom: 1. Forgiving as We've Been Forgiven
Matthew 18:23-35
October 17, 2010
For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he began the reckoning, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him; and, as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, together with his wife and children and all his possessions, and payment to be made. So the slave fell on his knees before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the lord of that slave released him and forgave him the debt. But that same slave, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat, he said, ‘Pay what you owe.’ Then his fellow slave fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ But he refused; then he went and threw him into prison until he would pay the debt. When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked slave! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt. So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.
On October 2nd of 2006, something terrible happened. It was a tragedy that rocked much of Central Pennsylvania. At 10:15 a.m., a man named Charles Carl Roberts parked his pick-up at the West Nickel Mines School. This was an Amish School with a teacher and about fifteen children of all ages. Pulling out a gun, he ordered all the children, who had been outside for recess, back into the school. He then ordered a few of them to help him bring stuff into the school, such as rope, boards, nails, and other things. The teacher and some of the children took advantage of this to escape and get help. Responding to their please, the police arrived fifteen minutes later.
What Roberts did was baffling because he was known in the Amish community. He was a truck driver who picked up milk from Amish farms. He was actually somewhat well thought of. But his intentions on this day were truly evil. He had been having dreams of molesting children, and that was his intent on that day. The escape of the children and the arrival of the police at 10:45 a.m. disrupted his plans. At 11:07 a.m. he began shooting the ten children he had placed against the wall. Five died, and five were critically wounded. After shooting them, he turned the gun on himself.
His acts of violence against innocent children shocked not only the Amish community, but much of Central Pennsylvania. People were enraged. How could someone have done this? Why didn’t his family know if his intents beforehand? Why didn’t the police suspect something? People wanted answers. They wanted scapegoats.
There was also something different about this shooting that baffled people. We are used to hearing stories like this, about grieving, angry families wanting answers. But what confused people was how the Amish responded. They never got angry. Instead, they acted with love and forgiveness. Immediately the elders of the Amish community told the others that they were to forgive Roberts, and to act in a forgiving ways toward his family. They said that Roberts’ act not only tore apart Amish families, but also the Roberts family.
Within hours the Amish were visiting Roberts’ wife, children, and parents. One Amish man held Roberts’ father for an hour while he sobbed. They brought dinners over for the Roberts families. They also set up a charitable fund for the family to help them get through the bad economic times that were sure to follow. About 30 of the Amish attended Charles Roberts’ funeral, and Marie Roberts, Roberts’ wife, was one of the few outsiders invited to attend the funeral for their children. Afterwards, Marie Roberts wrote an open letter to them, saying, "Your love for our family has helped to provide the healing we so desperately need. Gifts you've given have touched our hearts in a way no words can describe. Your compassion has reached beyond our family, beyond our community, and is changing our world, and for this we sincerely thank you."
Interestingly, the non-Amish community struggled with the forgiving response of the Amish. On television, experts opined that the Amish were engaging in mass denial, repression, or some other psychological defense mechanism. No one could understand how the Amish would be so forgiving. They thought it was unhealthy. Yet when interviewed, the Amish had simple responses, including one quoting our passage for this morning.: “ So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
They said that they were forgiving because they had been forgiven, and because a forgiving God called them to forgive. Their response to the shootings was so baffling that sociologists from local colleges came to Nickel Mines to understand more the Amish response. They wrote about their experiences in a really good book, Amish Grace. It was turned into a movie, although the movie really wasn’t very good, and didn’t reflect that accurately what these three sociologists discovered and wrote about in their book. Simply put, the Amish acted the way Jesus called us to act to all tragedies and traumas, yet people couldn’t understand. They proved that Jesus’ call to forgive could be something practical, yet people still thought they are being overly idealistic, psychologically healthy, or delusional.
Growing up somewhat near the Amish as a child, I know that they have been a misunderstood people. Still, the thing I’ve always admired about the Amish is how deeply they’ve tried to live out the Gospel no matter what. They don’t come up with the kinds of excuses we do for why we can’t follow the Gospel in everyday life. They try their best to find a way. I may not be willing to follow in their footsteps, and I may have a different understanding of the Gospel, but I will always respect their passion and commitment. They are a people who practice radical forgiveness.
I realize that we can look at the Amish and say that they really didn’t forgive because the family of Charles Roberts didn’t do anything wrong. But tell that to the hundreds of people who criticized the Amish for their forgiveness, and who obviously thought that the parents, spouse, and children should pay for Roberts’ sins. The fact is that forgiving is hard no matter who we are, or what the circumstances.
Why is forgiving so hard? It has to do with basic human biology and psychology. Whenever we are hurt badly, whether that means a physical hurt or a psychological, emotional hurt, our brains create a defensive shield to keep us from being hurt like that again. It’s a protective mechanism. We hold grudges because grudges protect us from being hurt again. And this defensive shield can do a lot of things to us. It can make us bitter as we extend our grudge to the world. It can cause us distrust all people who are potential threats. It can also make us hate others and hold onto anger. Basically, this psychological and emotional defense system does everything it can to keep us from forgiving. You see, by not forgiving we protect ourselves. When we forgive, we make ourselves vulnerable.
Unfortunately, there’s a price to pay for not forgiving. As Nelson Mandela said, after spending 24 years in prison, often being treated harshly and tortured, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” God calls us to forgive because God wants us to transcend our biology, our psychology, and our resentment.
Sue Norton understood this. In January of 1990, she received terrible news at her home in Arkansas City, Kansas. Her father and his wife had been murdered in their home. A man named Robert Knighton (B.K.), all for $17.00 and an old truck, killed them in their isolated Oklahoma farmhouse. It was a brutal murder, and one that tore into Sue’s soul.
Sue says she felt "numb". She couldn’t understand why someone would want to hurt people who were old and poor. She sat through B.K.’s trial, filled with conflicted feelings. She had been deeply hurt, but she couldn’t understand the way the people attending the trial were acting. Everyone in the courtroom was consumed with hate. They all expected her to feel the same way. But she couldn’t hate the way they did because she says, "it didn’t feel good."
The last night of the trial she knew there must be another way. She couldn’t eat or sleep that night and prayed to God to help her. When morning came, she sensed God saying, "Sue, you don’t have to hate B.K., you could forgive him".
The next day, while the jury was out for deliberation, Sue got permission to visit B.K. in his holding cell. Sue said afterwards, "I was really frightened. This was my first experience in a jail. B.K. was big and tall, he was shackled and had cold steely eyes." At first B.K. refused to look at Sue. She asked him to turn around and he answered, "Why would any one want to talk to me after what I have done?" Sue replied, "I don’t know what to say to you. But I want you to know that I don’t hate you. My grandmother always taught me not to use the word hate. She taught me that we are here to love one another. If you are guilty, I forgive you.”
B.K. thought she was just playing games. He couldn’t understand how she could forgive him for such a terrible crime. Sue says, "I didn’t think of him as killer, I thought of him as a human being.” Much like the way the people of Central Pennsylvania thought of the Amish after the Nickel Mines shooting, people thought that Sue had lost her mind. Friends would step to the other side of the road to avoid her. But Sue says, "There is no way to heal and get over the trauma without forgiveness. You must forgive and forget and get on with your life. That is what Jesus would do.”
B.K. was executed in 2003, but prior to his execution, Sue often wrote to him and visited occasionally. She felt that B.K. should never leave prison, but she didn’t want him executed. She eventually became friends with B.K. and because of her love and friendship he became a devout Christian. Her forgiveness allowed some good to come out of her father’s death. As she said, "I have been able to witness to many people about Jesus and forgiveness and helped others to heal. I have brought B.K. and many other men on death row to our Lord Jesus Christ. I live in peace with my Lord!" (adapted from “Stories of Real Forgiveness,” found at http://www.catherineblountfdn.org/rsof.htm).
What Sue Norton did was hard, but it was also deeply Christian. I’m not sure we can truly call ourselves Christian if we can’t forgive experiences both big and small. The fact is that forgiving another does not mean forgetting. Instead it means giving a gift to another person despite the fact that she or he doesn’t deserve it. Forgiving is a gift of grace that we give to another person because we’ve been given it ourselves. God’s nature is to give us grace no matter what we’ve done, and so God forgives us no matter how many times we act in selfish, hurtful, or even violent ways. And God doesn’t want us to keep that grace for ourselves. God wants us to share it by being forgiving ourselves. That’s why the central word in “forgive” is give.” No one said that forgiving was easy, but Christ did say it was necessary—necessary to save your soul.
Amen.
